- D.Bonhoeffer from  Letters and Papers from Prison

Sometimes we despair.  That means we start to believe that Jesus is not powerful (or loving) enough to remove my guilt, heal my brokenness, or to free me from some plaguing sin. Sometimes we become prideful.  That means we that, though we may say we believe all those things about Jesus, secretly we slip on the messiah-cape do our own work to fix the problem, restore “it” to health, or otherwise save the world from sin (including ourselves). It is difficult to remain Christ-centered when you believe you have the power to redeem anything.

When one finds themselves in the meat grinder of life, dealing with hard “things” it is sometimes difficult to believe what Paul teaches about Jesus in Colossians, that he is the creator, ruler, reconciler, and sustainer of ALL THINGS.  Whenever sin touches real life,  rather than hold tightly to an immovable cross, we’re apt to jump on the swinging pendulum between pride and despair.  Whenever a relationship, a family, even an entire church is devastated by sin, you either throw up our hands in despair because you can’t see how things can get better.  Or, just as bad, you start to using your hands to fix everything because you believe you are starting to see nail holes in them.

So, if you  find yourself in despair right now, know that nothing can separate you from the love of your Savior–not your sin, not their sin, not any sin.  And, if you’re prideful right now, believing that you have the power or obligation to save, redeem, or restore, know that the Savior job is already taken.

“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. (1 Co 6:12).

I’ve finally done it.  I have deactivated my “smartphone” phone, at least for a while.  So this is goodbye games, goodbye navigator, goodbye news flashes, goodbye Google Sky, goodbye in store price-checks, goodbye  Facebook updates, goodbye  Twitter notifications, goodbye email, goodbye calendar, goodbye  weather reports, goodbye  verse of the days, goodbye  YouTube on the toilet, goodbye location check-in, goodbye  lightsaber-phone, goodbye blinking light, goodbye obnoxious chime.  I won’t miss you, I am going back to “dumb”.

Why would I do that?  Frankly, I think I was becoming enslaved to technology. And though there are perhaps a thousand arguments as to why people might “need” their phone, I think we all might be a bit delusional. We’ve been fished in, hooked on, and otherwise persuaded to believe we need a bunch of APP crap that does little more than help us to waste a lot of time like children doing childish things.  In fact, I am starting to believe that the “smarter” we get technologically, the more harm we may be doing to ourselves and our relationships.

For the last couple years, I have felt enslaved. I have found it difficult to unplug when I am (seemingly) connected all the time to everyone.  And because I am constantly “connected”, my mind is constantly in engaged in the world outside, whether that is with my work or whatever everyone else is doing–but never in the moment right in front of me where I actually am.  What it created was a man who was physically present but emotionally absent. If you’re at all like me (which I hope you are not), I have found using my smartphone feels like an addiction–I feel empty if I don’t get my fix–like I am missing out on something.  Invariably, it creates a man, husband, Father, and friend who is constantly looking away from everything else and at his phone every chance he gets.  It creates an addict who interrupts, even starts to destroy “real” relationships to   engage with online friends, to the extent of anxiously looking forward to (even wishing for) the next little light to flash or chime to sound indicating that “something is happening.”.

I know many will say that complete abstention is extreme but, for me, right now it is necessary. I challenge a lot of you to turn off your smartphone for a week (even a day) and see how much “smarter” you actually start to become.  It’s ironic, but I think the use of my smartphone began to make me really dumb. There are many layers to this, but none more obvious than simply the different times I decided to look at the stupid thing.  I looked at it in the middle of conversations, during a group prayer, when I was driving, when watching my boys place soccer, when I was eating, when I was bored, when I was exercising, and even when I was pooping.  Dumb.  Dumb. Dumb.  So, I am returning to the simple life when a phone was a phone, when everything did not need an immediate response, when time away from “friends” was good, when talking to someone was better than messaging them, and when I had a bit more of a meaningful life that could not be summarized on a status update every 15 minutes.

Please know I am not expecting or hoping others to follow, though I believe everyone needs to ask themselves some hard questions about how they spend their time on their stupid phone.  For me, I am hoping that my refusal to  lose myself in a 2 1/2″ x 6″ plastic portal into a cyber-world will actually help me to live and be more present in the real one.

More times than I dare to count, I have heard wives (and reports from their despairing husbands) express a
desire for their husband to lead more, better, or at all.  These requests, which come at different times in response to different trials, are usually rooted in a broken order within the marriage. For one reason or another, a husband has abandoned or abused his responsibility as “head” of the home and left a huge void.  The understandably insecure, or too self-assured, wife feels compelled to fill it. And for a while she does a fine job until the job becomes too irritating or burdensome.  It is not that women cannot lead.  I know many women (I am married to one) who are wise, capable, and strong leaders.  But, in a marriage relationship, it’s that the wife is not supposed to lead, they are not designed fill this role like a husband is.  Any rejection of God’s design eventually leads to perversion…and perversion leads to destruction. A wife’s desire to be led, protected, and cared for, even if sparked by the failure of a man, is really a heart-rooted desire to live in the fullness of God’s design.  

And for those women who believe they are strong enough to maintain a role God did not give you, I would humbly ask you to consider how your reluctance to submit to your husband’s leadership (esp. before he has earned it or proved that he can) may in fact be hindering the very thing want him to do.  And even if you don’t feel you want him to do it…God does.  In truth, your refusal to submit to God’s command, to follow your husband’s leadership, is allowing sin to reign in your home.

Consider below a few ways you can help your husband lead by actively “putting on” Christ and living in the fullness of His design:

FOLLOW your husband’s leadership (in all things):   

Follow your husband, let him lead.  That means you will have to release control, embrace his authority, and accept your husband is ultimately responsible for your family before God. That being said, we must not forget that Christlike-submission is not mindless obedience.  You must NOT follow him when he leads you or others into sin.  More often than not, women refuse to follow NOT because they are being led into sin, but because they are being led in a direction they simply don’t dislike.  The hope is that the truth of being “one flesh” is lived out in the marriage.  In other words, there is supposed to be great deal of interdependence, of mutual consultation, of seeking wisdom, and overall of a desire to have harmony and enjoy the peace of Christ.  It is, however, easier for him to lead when he knows he has a follower–someone who believes in him (even if they disagree with him). He needs to know that, if no one else follows him up the hill, you are there, you believe he is strong and capable. Dare I say, he will never learn to lead unless you first begin to submit in reverence for Christ. 

PRAY for your husband’s leadership

The best way to pray for his leadership is to pray for his relationship with God. He will lead like Christ when he is led by Christ.  Your prayer is not that he will make certain decisions or not make other decisions.  Your prayer is not that he will lead in a particular direction that you desire. Your prayer is that he will receive strength and courage to do all that God’s Word says.  Your prayer is that he will depend upon the Spirit to understand what God’s Word says. Your prayer is that he will seek wisdom from his bride, counsel from his friends, and make decisions for the glory of Jesus.  And your prayer is that YOU will trust God as he leads even if you don’t trust he is leading perfectly. If he is not leading now, pray.  If he begins to lead, pray.  If he stops leading, pray. 

ENCOURAGE your husband’s leadership (Word and Deed)

Encourage your husband’s leadership.  Quite simply, tell him he is doing a good job, that you believe in him, that you are following him where he leads.  Encourage your husband as an ally, not an adversary, reminding him that God equips those that He has called–and HE has been called to lead this marriage.  Culture, as seen through your average sitcom, has already made him into an animal or a juvenile.  He already believes the world is against him, that everyone thinks he is a fraud, incompetent, incapable, and not measuring up.  You can help him to think differently.  Do this by encouraging him.  Tell him what you appreciate about his husbandry, about his fatherhood, about his manhood.—even if you don’t  fully believe it yet.  Find ways to always build him up among others even if you don’t feel like he deserves it at the time. 

RESPECT your husband’s leadership (Public and Private)

Speak highly of Him, especially when he makes a wrong or bad decision.  Seek ways to honor him as the leader of your home in front of your children, your family, your friends, and your church.  Remember that approximately 90% of our communication is non-verbal.  Be careful. Women are especially gifted at communicating  disrespect with little more than a look.  Sin naturally brings conflict into the marriage.  Just as men have to be intentional about demonstrating love, women must be intentional about showing respect–it won’t just happen.  Please do not have to wait until he does something glaringly respectable in order to take a disposition of respect toward him.  Jesus did not wait for us to be clean to die. Your husband needs to actually feel respected (as you need to feel loved), and every husband may receive that a little differently.  If you are unsure what this looks like, ask him? Ask him if he feels disrespected or how he would feel more respected?  The answer might surprise you. 

HELP your husband’s leadership (help sanctify him)  Finally, help him in his leadership.  You are his helpmate.  We hear that word and wrongly think secretary or sidekick.  The truth is God paid a compliment to women with this word. The same word is used of God in Psalms 115.9 where it says, “O Israel, trust in the Lord, for He is their Helper. The term is always used to describe someone who brings significant help and often as someone who delivers another from some great dilemma. The Ancient Jew would have viewed the woman as a God-like gift from God to help man be what he could not become or do alone. God has brought your personalities together to complement one another, not compete.  A wife’s submission does not mean silence, but it also does not mean nagging.  Because all sanctification is relational, and the most powerful and intimate relationship you have is your marriage, you have permission, you have a responsibility, you have the opportunity to help your husband grow in Christ.   Sometimes this will be speaking, with all respect, to his weaknesses.  Sometimes this will be teaching, sometimes admonishment, sometimes encourage, all the times respectful.  Help your husband by asking him what he needs, help him to see his strengths AND his weaknesses, help him fight against his sin, and do this all to the glory of Christ. 

Without doubt, following a husband is made easier when they lead and love well.  And sadly, it is true, many husbands do little to deserve the devotion of a godly wife. But true Christ-centered wifery is not just a response to whatever some sinful man can offer through good/bad leadership or a worthy/unworthy example.  Christ-centered wifery is rooted in a personal commitment to Jesus as Lord, and a desire to live in the fullness of his design. 

1Peter 3.1-2 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives— ² when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

A true gospel-centered woman does not abandon her biblical wifery when he abandons his biblical husbandry. .She fights to put on Christ, to obey today, out of desire to glorify God through living a He designed them to be.   Submission looks, feels, and sounds difficult to someone devoted to their own glory.  Wives, your submission to your husband’s leadership is not based on his merits, but the true husband’s, Jesus Christ.  

And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  – Ephesians 5.2

What does you marriage smell like?  Although this sounds like a strange question, the relationships with our spouses emit some sort of aroma that everyone can smell.  That smell is either a fragrant offering to God or it’s a putrid stench we try to hide like a Grandma wearing too much perfume—no one’s fooled, everyone smells it.   Sadly, married couples ignore or tolerate the obvious lack of health in their marriage far too long.   If change doesn’t occur, couples find themselves with a growing aversion for one another.  They either end up divorced or living as “married singles”.

I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t want a marriage filled with true joy.  Yet, I can count how many marriages I know that are actually experiencing that on one hand.  It’s not we want to continue to “smell” like Walla Walla Sweets, but we’re often unable or unwilling recognize the source of the problem and deal with it honestly or at all.   I challenge you to take a big whiff of your marriage and identify the aroma.  If you smell something strange, consider the following sources:

1. We do not work at, or on, marriage

Many people spend years in school training for their future careers.  They make sacrifices of their time, spend thousands of dollars, and work extremely hard that they might achieve material success or financial stability. Ironically, the statistics show that workers between the ages of 18 and 38 change jobs an average of 10 times.  The average couple spends little or not time preparing for marriage—something that is intended to last for a lifetime.  Fewer and fewer couples go through marriage counseling, but even if they do, the “intense” sessions usually last a total of a few weeks and the pastor does little more than share humorous anecdotes about how he and his wife learned to put up with each other. They’ll tell you that marriage is, “work”, but give you absolutely no tools to work with.  Marriage is work.  But if you don’t have any tools, your work is fruitless.  We need to equip ourselves tools, educate ourselves with books, surround ourselves with wise people, and work at building our marriages in the same way we build other aspects of our lives.   Then we need to practice, practice, practice, the right things, remembering that practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent.

1. 2.   We forget our vows

It’s unfortunate how easily we forget our marriage vows.  I often wonder if couples put more time and energy into how sentimental sound of their vows versus actually dwelling on the meaning of what their committing to.  The wedding day is over so quickly, yet, the vows are intended to go on for a lifetime.  Eventually the day ends, years pass, conflict ensues, and suddenly those two lovers, who so easily made promises of commitment to one another are ready to call it quits; pointing the finger to blame everyone and everything but themselves.  At the core of the breakdown is a failure to understand what they vowed on their wedding day.  They forget that the marriage vows are intended to be revisited, everyday.  They forget that the one making the vow is promising what they will do for their spouse, even if the other fails to uphold their own vow to them.  We forget that other than being alive, our vows are unconditional.  The fact that one spouse gains weight, contracts a disease, has an affair, or changes in some other way, has nothing to do with the covenant made.  Make no mistake about, we choose to forget our vows.  It is not a lapse of memory that causes us to fail in our commitment; it is a choice to glorify ourselves as opposed to glorify God.  Dare I say, we choose to stink.

3.  We love sentimentally and not efficaciously

It is easy to say, “I love you.”  If love only remains sentimental, then it is not in fact love at all.  Anyone can tell their child they love them.  But if they fail to feed, comfort, protect, or play with their children, it quickly becomes evident that the love amounts to little more than sentimentality.  Men are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church.  Jesus did more than just say he loved the church.  He died for it.  Christ loved the church efficaciously, meaning, he loved the church with a love that had an observable effect. His sacrifice produced something in those he died for.  Those who believe in Jesus Christ were, as a result of Christ’s love, made free, made beautiful, made acceptable, and made strong.  Unfortunately, men and women often fail to love efficaciously because they fail to love each other beyond feelings.  This failure is a direct result of selfishness.  We consider our needs and desires as more important than our spouse.  That is the very opposite of love.  True love is efficacious love.  Efficacious love requires a denial of the self and will, by nature, produce something in the individual being loved.  A man loving a woman efficaciously will produce in that woman freedom, beauty, acceptance, and strength—and everyone will be able to see it.

 4.  We exchange, confuse, or otherwise ignore our biblical our roles

Quite simply, men and women don’t know what God’s expects of them as biblical husbands and wives.  Instead of reading the bible, we follow culture’s example (or what we learned from Mom and Dad) and find ourselves believing falsehood.  We wrongly believe that man is superior to and dominant over women who are 2^nd class citizens or we wrongly believe that there is no distinction between male and female other than biology. The truth is that men and women are equal, but distinct.  This view is rooted in the nature of God as Trinity, and in God’s creation of man and woman.  When we confuse roles, we discover men abusing, abandoning, or abdicating their leadership and we find women trying to fill the void.  Confusion with regard to the roles of husbands and wives is anything but progressive, it is sin and destructive to the marriage Men and women are not adversaries, they are allies—their marriage should enhance one another in their work on this earth.  In this, the man is commanded by God to lead and his bride is commanded to help him    Being a helper doesn’t make her less important, rather, it makes him more responsible.  She is necessary for success—“it is not good to be alone.”  As they turn to the task, since the work is his responsibility, she is his responsibility as well.

5.      We never learn to communicate beyond the surface

It seems that nearly every married couple I meet with struggles in someway with communication.   Some don’t listen each other, some don’t understand each other, and some have simply stopped talking all together.  A couple can get by with poor communication for a very long time but it eventually, their failure to communicate will cripple their ability to resolve conflicts in the other weak areas of their marriage such as sex, finances, parenting, etc..  Poor communication results from an inordinate amount of shallow communication.  Superficial exchange of “facts” is necessary in our lives, it’s the “oil” the greases the wheels of communication.  We go deeper and become a bit more vulnerable when we exchange “opinions”—insights into who we are and what we believe.  With our spouses, however, we need to additionally visit the deepest level of communication where we talk about our feelings.  This is hard for both men and women; men think discussing feelings is girly, and women believe their always discussing their feelings when in fact their usually giving opinions.  It’s natural to spend time exchanging facts, and it’s easy to give an opinion.   If married couples do not get beyond these levels, however, they will not develop true intimacy with one another and eventually begin to talk to someone else.

 In the end, we simply we don’t live gospel-centered marriages devoted to God’s glory.

Of course, there are a hundred other things that are not listed here that make our marriages stink.  Foundational to any smell, however, is the fact that we don’t live gospel-centered marriages devoted to God’s glory. That sounds all nice and Christian, but what does it actually mean?  Quite simply, it means that many of us love our own glory more than God, so we love in ways that are convenient or conflict-free.  A deep belief in the gospel means that you are convinced of three things.  1) That life is about glorifying God–including your marriage. 2)  The best way to glorify God is to look like Jesus.  3)  Glorifying God, and looking like Jesus, is the path to true joy.  Bringing the gospel to bear on a marriage moves one to relate to your husband or wife in the same way that Jesus relates you.  Loving your spouse with the eyes of Jesus means that you see the person for what they are—sin and all—not what they should be. You see their dirt, their weaknesses, their shame, and their nakedness and you still love them.  You love them when they don’t deserve it, don’t earn it, and sometimes, don’t even want it, just as Jesus loved you.  The husband or wives becomes devoted to adorning the gospel regardless of whether the other person does the same.

Let us acknowledge, with all respect, that there are different opinions about this holiday. The same differences of opinion exists with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, even Cupid and Valentine’s Day. So, let us all take a breath, read Romans 14, and FIGHT the desire to judge people for doing something you consider “pagan” or disqualify them for not attending your harvest carnival instead (or trunk or treat, all saints day, etc).  Whether you abstain, participate, or choose an alternative, let us all be “convinced” in our own minds and be driven by a desire to glorify God–and not make sure others do too (at least not your way).

Personally, I always appreciated that my Jesus-loving parents raised me to enjoy Halloween.  As all of our “church” friends hid “safely” away celebrating the harvest, my sisters and I  risked going door to door.  We were not out to scare anyone, to celebrate death, or to align ourselves with the forces of darkness.  Quite simply, we were out there for one reason…candy. I have great memories.

I find it somewhat disturbing how much effort the evangelical world puts into campaigning against Halloween and the like.  And although I realize we all want to protect our kids and help them discern the difference between good and evil, I’m just not sure demonizing Halloween (literally) is the way to do it.  I also can’t personally muster up the feelings to love “Harvest Carnivals”. They’re often as cheesy as those Christian movies look (not the stories…the actual film). I wonder if, instead of distancing ourselves from things like Halloween, we ought to find a way to embrace them to the glory of God.  Instead of rejecting or receiving it entirely, perhaps it can be reformed in order to be used missionally.  Perhaps Halloween is simply one of those community celebrations that we can use to connect with people relationally–to show them that Christians, though spiritualy different (a real transformation that does reform our real lives), are not completely culturally disconnected joy-killing-party-poopers.

Below are a few ways you’ll know if you need to rethink how you approach Halloween next year:

1. You have kids but did nothing but darken the lights and hide, close your eyes, and wish it away.
2. You were stingy with your candy (very anti-gospel), or worse, “blessed” the kids with apples, raisins, or something else healthy (thus ensuring you’ll have half as many trick or treaters next year).
3. You passed out tracts instead of candy.
4. You carved crosses,the Christian fish, the face of Jesus, or the names of the 12 disciples in your pumpkins.
5. You forbid your kid from being a zombie, monster, or the like and forced them to dress up as a biblical character such as a patriarch, a prophet, a priest, a king, a shepherd, or worse…Jesus.
6. You spent the evening fasting and praying that God would protect little children and condemn those ignorant adults (and pastors) who would dare to inflict such evil on their own child.
7. You went trick or treating and met most of your neighbors for the first time (Of course, they all met each other at the neighborhood Halloween party you refused to attend).
8. You didn’t spend a minute with a pagan non-believer who needs Jesus and, instead, hung out at the harvest carnival with believers who already know Jesus.
9. You spent most of your time with believers hosting non-believers at a “hell house”, exposing the “sinners” to more wrathful, dark, disturbing imagery than they would ever get going door to door.
10. You did everything you could to distinguish yourself from the world, so much so, it is likely the world will never want to spend anytime with you again.

Laugh and let all that we do be done with a desire to honor God.  Let us keep ourselves unstained by the world as we seek to love those captivated by it.  I realize that this is a difficult tension to resolve sometimes.  It’s easy to reject and it’s easy to receive. Perhaps we should ask more about how we can discern how to reform…ourselves…not Halloween.

⁴ Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah ⁵ and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.” ⁶ But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the Lord. ⁷ And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. ⁸ According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you. ⁹ Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”  1Samuel 8.6

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day.  Among other things, we talked about the not-so-new multi-site movement.  Everyone (well, really just pastors with too much time on their hands) seem to be talking, planning, or promoting muti-site.  And though the this method (in different forms) has been around for some time. , it feels as if the “buzz” has intensified over the last five years or so.  The buzz is full of critics, coaches, and a lot of confusion. No one even knows what to call them anymore–campus, site, church?  What is sure is that if don’t have some vision for multi-site some day, you’re a dinosaur who will one day be extinct.  It’s almost as if the evangelical church is going(or gone) through its mid-life crisis and the “traditional” church planting model is simply not the attractive anymore (or not attractional?).  Of course, there are different definitions of what is meant by multi-site.  And the flavor of this growing “movement” we discussed most was the video-venue where one pastor is broadcasted or hologrammed over multiple locations  in a public gathering.  The discussion centered on what the effect of this kind of elevation (of one man) might have on the church. I’m not trying to emphasize any negative connotations attached to elevate, only trying to describe the reality of what is happening when you put one man on a study bible, website, podcast channel, twitter account, fan page, or a screen in 25 different locations 90% of the time.

As we talked, we began to consider Israel and their cry for a King in light of the failing leadership model God had installed.  Though we cannot argue that this failure surprised God, we can agree that he describes their request as a sinful rejection of His Lordship (and the structure he provided to exercise it).  They wanted a man, a king who was not priest, not prophet, and not a judge raised up by God. They wanted a King to represent them, a King to lead them, a King to judge them–just like the other nations. In our culture today, I think we see a similar trend, one that is not new, but becoming more common.  Whether it is a business, a sports team, a political party, or some other kind of institution, they all have (and want) a face leading them. This person is a spokesperson, a representative, a leader, a visionary, a personality, someone to praise if they produce and someone to blame if they fail.  And as these organizations become embodied by a man–the quality, the mission, even the importance of the institution is lost; it becomes meaningless in what Emerson would describe as, “the lengthened shadow of one man.”

We wondered if this is what is happening with the church?  Has the evangelical church started looking for a King again–one who is not Jesus–but a new man to represent them?  Has that man, his personality, his words, his identity become more important than the identity of the church–or the Lord who died for her? Has the evangelical church grown dissatisfied with how God designed his church that they are looking to much at culture for a new model?  Has the evangelical church become so much like the world that they are no longer a city on a hill..but just another city?

⁶ Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, ⁷rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just ^las you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. Colossians 2.6-7

The book of Colossians is a book about spiritual maturity.  In the first chapter, Paul explains that his mission, whether it comes through his persecution or his prosperity, is to bring others to maturity in Christ.  Of course, he does not presume that people will in fact “attain” maturity, rather, he puts forward an image of a lifelong struggle where a believer actively fights against sin and fights for delight in Jesus–all by energy God provides (Col. 1.29).  He is arguing against some false teachers in Colossae who have taught that spirituality begins IN Jesus, but grows IN something (or someone) else.

I’m am committed to moving beyond the charge to “be a spiritual leader” without equipping men to do it. With that in mind, below are the five things I taught at our last men’s retreat to help men open their mouths and to have fierce conversations with their brides…taken from Ephesians 4.25-32

Ephesians 4.25-32   ²⁵ Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸ Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Marriage & Our Mutual Sanctification
When God created the world, the one thing that he said was “not good” was that man was alone.  Though he had created many different creatures, not on was found to be a suitable “helper” for man.  So, out o man, God created a woman.  Genesis 2.22-24 says:  ²² And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man….THEN ADAM SANG A SONG.  God then said,

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵ And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

God created a woman to help his man do and become all that God intended him to be.   He described this unique relationship as “one flesh” because it was a relationship where God intended man to experience the deepest level of intimacy possible in this world. God brought this particular woman, all her personality, giftedness, quirks, irritations, and gave her to man-, to not only be cared and protected by, but to be changed by—TO BECOME MORE THAN YOU COULD ALONE.

“Fierce” Words
The key to experiencing that deep heart-transforming intimacy is words.  God created through words.  As image bearers of God, our words powerful—when they leave our lips they have the power to create something in someone else.

Proverbs 18.21 ²¹ Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

It is through life-giving words that God intends to restore our marriages to life and to sustain them in the fullness of joy.   A fierce conversation is not courage to speak the most powerful words you can think of.  It is the courage to use words to engage the heart—to open your heart to change and risk being changed. Sadly, a growing number of men have abdicated the responsibility to cultivate the heart of our bride.  While some of us “talk”, we often guard our hearts by exchanging FACTS or arguing over OPINIONS.   Most of us destroy our relationship like Adam did his, through silence.  The relationship between a husband and a wife was first destroyed because man decided to remain silent—to say nothing, no proclamation, no rebuke, no correction, no defense; all while Satan spoke many words to his bride. And sin entered the world and made what God intended as the most powerful relationship—one of the most difficult.

Life, joy, and genuine contentment in your marriage does not happen naturally.  And though the power is in words, which requires men to actually open their mouth, it is quality not quantity that is important–the key is known when to speak, what to speak, and when not to speak.  There is not a list of words to say, as much as there are some principles to guide whatever we say (in all relationships).

1.  Tell the truth (REVEAL YOUR WHOLE HEART

²⁵ Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Men are called to tell the truth, specifically, their genuine heart-feelings. A marriage is supposed to be the one relationship where you can be most open, transparent, and honest about every topic—NAKED AN UNASHAMED.  I see your dirt, you see mine, and we love each other.  Sadly, sin causes us to shrink in shame from God AND from one another—don’t dare reveal weaknesses, fears, hopes, or desires.  Instead, we endure hoping things will change naturally–they don’t.  Speaking truth is not about telling your bride she looks “Fat” in the dress when she asks–though that should be possible IF you have shared your hearts regularly.  If you only speak truth WHEN you’re asked…your marriage will fail. Speaking truth is asking the hard questions, the deep questions, and being honest about the answers. Any two people can talk.  In fact, many marriages “survive” sharing opinions for 25 years–but they never thrive–they never come to know each other deeply.Ur marriages need to be the one place we can truly be ourselves without fear of rejection emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. Truly, we cannot control what they other person shares or how they respond to what we share–we can only control what we reveal about ourselves and how we react to what is shared.

2.  Be angry and do not sin (REVEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART)

²⁶ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and give no opportunity to the devil.

The Bible allows for us to feel anger.  You can’t say “don’t feel angry” anymore than you can say, “don’t feel sad.”   It is not sinful to be anger—it is what happens in response to anger.  Unrestrained anger can lead men to actively abuse their wives emotionally and physically. Unrestrained anger can also lead men to passively punish their wives by withdrawing.   Here, the devil has an opportunity.  Men are called deal with their anger through revealing your broken hearts to what is supposed to be an ally, a best friend.  Sometimes that is anger at your self, sometimes it is with other people–even her.  Men are called to lead in “being angry”, whether it is them sharing their own feelings or sifting through the anger of their brides.   Not letting the sun go down on your anger means not pretending nothing is wrong and allowing a new day start without harmony, without expression, without some sort of resolution (even if temporary).  No one wants a “fight” but no one wants silence.  The devil has an opportunity in silence.  Silence is the perfect soil for the root of bitterness to reside.  Bitterness is sinful and unconfessed sin is devastating (Psalm 32).

 3.      Be a hard worker (WORK FOR HER HEART) 

²⁸ Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

Thieves steal, laborers give. Men are called to deny themselves, to fight against their juvenile tendencies to use their brides  and work hard form them.  We work hard to provide, to protect, and to make hard decisions, but men typically fail at digging for their hearts bride. When she says “I’m fine” (and we know she isn’t) we make a selfish choice not to pursue and justify our silence because we believe “we asked.”  God has given us this woman to care for a cultivate. Being a husband is hard sin makes our relationship hard work.  Though women like to talk, like us, they don’t always reveal their hearts.  So if you only HEAR words and do not LISTEN for the heart, neither of your will grow closer together.  The hardest work a man will have in working for her heart is becoming a better listener–one who can draw out the feelings of his bride. And because many men have not ever revealed their hearts, women do not feel safe to reveal theirs.  Being a hard worker begins with revealing your own.

4.      Be a builder (ENCOURAGE/FILL UP HER HEART)

²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

When you begin to see the condition of your bride’s heart, you will know how to build into it—how to fill it up with truth and encouragement. This is hard for me, I am not an natural encourager (meaning, I am really good at thinking about myself most of the time).  But being a builder is part of the essence of man.  Adam is created first and placed as God’s head of all of creation, bearing the primary responsibility to steward the world God had created.  God created men to cultivate the world into a garden after the prototype of Eden.  In other words, men are created for WORK.  Men are created for: challenge, competition, innovation, exploration, and construction.  Men are task-oriented, they need something to do. And the most important thing you can do is BUILD into this woman you’ve been given.  Men are cultivators—she is the garden, and we are commanded to tend to her (emotionally, physically, spiritually).  Doing this effectively means becoming a STUDENT of her so you know where to build her and how she receives love most effectively. We need to encourage our wives love, her accomplishments, her gifts, her beauty, her motherhood, her  home, her service.  Doing this will not only give her grace, but it will give grace to all who hear (children, friends, etc.) and have an effect on them.

5.      Be forgiving (HELP REDEEM HER HEART)

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

The truth is, no husband has the power to fix, heal, or redeem your wife, your marriage, or some trial you are experiencing.  But Jesus does.  You must be more than forgiving, you must be an evangelical gospel-centered husband.  While there is much you can change in how we communicate or live, there is much that remains a deep-rooted spiritual problem.  Most of the time, the best thing you can do for your bride is to point her to Christ. This is accomplished first through prayer.  When things are confusing or hard, don’t try to fix, don’t try to answer, just pray together. Men also to lead in confessing sin. Your forgiveness is only as effective as you share your own sin.  Regularly confess your sins, admit your failures, and claim the blood of Jesus (creates a place of safety—naked and unashamed).  With your bride, always seek forgiveness, peace and reconciliation even if you don’t think you’re wrong.  Let the gospel remind both of you that you are more broken than you’ll ever admit, but more loved than you could ever imagine. Lead her back to the cross, as two sinners, who both need Christ.

What grieves God?  When you don’t love HER like HE does.
If you have a daughter, as yourself who is good enough for her?.  For me, the answer is NO ONE. But I realize one day that a boy will take captivate her heart in the way that I do now.  And one day, that boy may ask her hand in marriage and I may walk her down the aisle and GIVE HER TO HIM.  How do I expect her to care for her?  Do I just want her to be secure materially, or do I want her to be cultivated spiritually?

That is exactly what God does for husbands.  He brought you an amazing helper, companion, and love-but ultimately, he gave you one of his daughters.  In what condition will you present your bride back to her Father?

Ephesians 5.25-33   ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

There is a lot of confusion as to what makes a man a man and what it means to be “manly”.  I have three sons and it is incredible to watch how their god-given “mannishness” exhibits itself when compared with my daughter.  When I get home, they want to wrestle.  I walk in and I am immediately a walking punching bag until I sit down on the ground and they begin full on UFC sanctioned fighting.  They rip their shirts off, flex their muscles, and immediately scan the room for any book, toy, pillow, or lego they can use as a weapon.  No holds barred, no places on the body off-limits, they are relentless.  This is an entirely different experience than my daughter.  She wants me to tell her how pretty she looks in the fifteenth bathing suit she has put on.  She doesn’t want to wrestle, she wants me to paint her toe nails with nail polish.  She wants me to sit and read a story with her or push her on the swing and tell her she is my princess.  One thing is clear, they are different.

From this point, this blog can go two different ways–serious or lighthearted–and I am not in a serious mood.   If it is going to be serious, then I’ll have to try to address all the baggage, including my own, that people use as a filter when they hear sermons, read books, or skim blogs.  You see, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to be a man, both in the church and in culture.   And when you are foolish enough to create a “test” for manliness or describe what a man is (even unwittingly through how you speak, dress, or act), you invite every critic with a daddy-issue (we all have one or two) out from the shadows to decry your faulty, narrow-minded, lop-sided, different-than-me characterization.  So, please know that this is all in fun and in no way an effort to marginalize anyone that feels “different” or that they “fail” the test.

I imagine that when my boys come to the place where they individually ask me, “Dad, Am I a man?”, then we’ll open up the Bible and talk about the difference between the 1st Adam we are and the 2nd Adam (Jesus) we are meant to be.   In other word, we’ll talk more about our brokenness, real heart issues, the gospel, and not superficial behaviors (we already do) like you’re going to read.  But, until that question comes up, I am going to have some fun (while still teaching them something) with helping them determine which of those superficial behaviors, mannerisms, or ways of living are in fact manly and which ones are not (also known as girly).  The need for a test or rubric of some kind recently became quite evident. My bride started to do some Yoga.  Yes, she you can in fact love Jesus and still do weird stretching in the shapes of animals.  One fine evening, while the kids were asleep, she was demonstrating some of these strange body contortions while she reminisced about her days as a 7 year old gymnast.  I laughed, rather, mocked the entire thing. Of course, she threw down the challenge, claiming that I couldn’t do it. I responded in my shame that I didn’t want to (knowing I couldn’t) and said in my pride, that  no manly men were not meant to do it.

Of course, my discerning bride laughed it off for what it really was, a refusal to embarrass myself by contorting my body into what is supposed to be a “crane” but would probably look like an Elephant balancing on a pogo stick.   But the exchange got me thinking….how can I determine what is manly and what is not?  I am not talking in some deep theological or philosophical sense, but in a superficial Junior-high humor sort of way.  It is difficult to find a comprehensive test for manliness that really encompasses a solid sense of balance.  You don’t want a hyper-manly warrior without any sense of artistic tenderness or a uber-girly caricature more with style than getting dirty or working hard.   So, as I was talking to I found him, epiphany–Pal Ingalls.   I promptly turned to my bride and said, “If you think Pa Ingalls would do it, then it is probably manly.”  What would Pa do?

Everyone loves Little House on the Prairie, or should.  It is one of the shows that unapologetically taught Christian values and still experienced some level of success.  And the patriarch of the show, Charles Ingalls, gives us what I believe is a solid representation of  man.   This was a man who loves Jesus, loves his bride, loves his children, loves his work, and loves his town.  He is a courageous man, a man of his word, a man who worked very hard, a man who knew when to speak hard words, when to fight with his fists, and when to walk away. This was a man who choose the harder right over the easier wrong, a man who sacrificed everything for those loved, a man who had hard hands and a soft heart.  This was a man who provided for his family, his friends, and his neighbors.   He could fix anything, build anything, and get anything his family needed.  He was what I consider, a manly man, meaning, he was tough, strong, wise, and uncompromising.   And if that is not enough, he was also an artist; he played the violin and designed (and built) his own line of furniture.  The man was a man, and its unfortunate that he was not real but probably a mosaic of the few good parts of many men.

My family and I have watched many episodes of Little House.  And, in hopes of better equipping my boys, I have told them about the “Pa Ingalls” test for manliness.   Asking  ”What would Jesus do”  has not proven as helpful as I would have liked–it feels a bit too moralistic and weird.  But knowing that our ability to do anything comes through Jesus in us, Pa Ingalls, a man who loved Jesus, gives them something a little more tangible to emulate in some of the superficial decisions they make every day:  Should I volunteer to help?   Should I defend the helpless from that bully?  Should I open the door for this girl? Should I wear my pants half-way down my butt?  Should I spend hours on video games?  Should I work hard at being useful? Should I waste time?  Should I try to fix this myself?

And of course, should I do Yoga?   And, admittedly, Pa Ingalls might…but only because he loved his bride.